SANITY PLEA!

1) Talked to a far away friend about everything from punting babies to sociopaths and everything in between for nearly 2 hours. It’s been a habit this week and she sure has made the work days go faster.

2) Listened to a guy on the radio try to defend Bass Fishing as a mentally exhausting, legitimate sport. Listen, dude…your “sport” can be done by anyone in the world at any time, is often accompanied by the consumption of mass quantities of cheap, skunky beer and lousy country music about the consequences of consuming the same cheap, skunky beer that’s currently swirling in your hairy, white, bloated belly, and the winner of fishing tournaments is crowned based on the total pounds of the fish you caught, which can not be controlled by the fisherman. Whether or not you caught a 5 pound bass or a 7 pound bass, I doubt you did anything different. Now shut up, sit down, and go read Sarah Palin’s book or whatever it is you guys do.

3) Read a few inspirational words from my good friend Abbie Hoffman of the famous Yippie movement. “You measure a democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists.”

4) Played about an hour of guitar and practiced an entire acoustic set list on my electric. Yes, I’m feeling energetic today. I looked at the tab of a John Petrucci solo and wept into a bucket.

5) Held my dog and expressed to her how excited I am that thunderstorms are in the forecast for the entire day. She gently licked the right side of my face, so I think she understood. However, knowing her history of reactions to extreme weather, I’m sure she’s less than excited.

I kill so many people in my sleep, but I have nothing but love for others while awake. If I ever start sleepwalking, I fear the outcome.

My New Year’s Resolution is to gain 30 pounds in 2011. In 2012, my resolution will be to lose 30 pounds. I’d continue the cycle in 2013, but we all know the world is ending by then.

If I walk into an establishment that’s blasting funk over the speakers, just as my usual convenience store stop was this morning, I can not, no matter how hard I try, keep from walking to the beat until I’m out the door.

I’m turning down friendly invitations like crazy just so I can sit in my room in my pjs on a Sunday, drink multiple cups of coffee and listen to The Beatles.

Not everyone in this town is dull.

Saint Louis has reclaimed the throne as “The Most Dangerous City In The Country” for 2010. It was only a matter of time before we climbed back to the top.

I bought this over the weekend. What an eco-friendly way to get my friends, dog, and music equipment around. My new road trip buddy. Mmmmmm…

Between a couple of foggy, flailing-armed pressings of the snooze button this morning, I had a half-dream in which I saw an older businessman, probably in his early 60’s, sitting alone in a well populated cafeteria. He had a napkin neatly folded on his lap, his sleeves rolled up, dress pants with tennis shoes, and multiple colored pens clipped into his shirt pocket. He was eating an Oscar Mayer Lunchable and drinking a Capri Sun pouch, completely oblivious to the commotion around him, not at all aware of his own lonely portrait.

I recently spent a week in a Myrtle Beach condo because of a destination wedding. It was my younger sister’s wedding. Tons of family came from both sides of the party, as well as many, many friends of the bride and groom. In total, there were about 75 southeast Missourians occupying suites in 3 adjacent buildings.

Of those 75 people, 1 is even the slightest bit liberal. That 1 would be me. And I’m a lottabit liberal. Throughout the week, things came out of my mouth that seem perfectly normal to me, yet caused a problem with this particular company. Here are a few out of contexts self-quotes that resulted in death stares, machine gun replies, my name being said in full by my family members, just plain confusion, and so on. I’m not sure how many are related to them being super conservative, but I could draw a few parallels.

Someone put down Ronald Reagan’s acting ability. I responded with, “He’s still a better actor than he was president.” (and he was a shitty actor)

“Less taxes and smaller government don’t result in more freedom.”

“I like to be informed about the food I put into my body. As an American consumer, I have the right to know what’s going inside of me and how it will affect me.” - Oddly, this one drew the most criticism.

“If a judge is marrying them on a beach, which takes it out of the church and out of the hands of a priest or preacher, why did he have us pray together before and after the ceremony? This is a state matter, right? And does anyone else feel odd about a judge praying to a group over a legal document?”

“I’d rather pay taxes to help needy people in our country than pay them to kill people overseas that we’ve never met.”

The Groom, his best man, and other friends took me out one night. They were complaining about their significant others, and how women just want to shop all the time and complain about little things, and take 2 hours to put make up on, etc. I stopped them and said, “I’ve never dated a woman anywhere near what you’re describing. In fact, I know very few of them.” One guy said, “Then you’re dating the wrong kind of women.” Without thinking, I said, “You should all look in the mirror and repeat that to yourselves.” Surprisingly, they liked me more after that, calling me a “badass” and “crazier than our white trash selves (actually said).” Somehow, that bothered me even more.

“I hope to live in the Northwest and just ride my bike everywhere.”

“Do you have anything here other than Bud Light?”

“Rescuing an animal from a shelter is the only way I’ll ever go about owning a pet.”

“I’m pretty sure they have an I-phone ap for that.”

“Is it just me, or is it weird that we’re at a wildlife refuge where they also sell bottled water, and there are no recycling bins?”

“Dick Cheney should turn just 4 of his homes into homeless shelters. He can live in his other 3.”

“The streets here look like we came in just after the ending of ‘Magnolia’”

“No, Conan deserves to be on before George Lopez!”

…and there are probably about 280 more that just didn’t stick in my head.